I've stopped making friends at work (2024)

"I want to invite you guys over to my place for Thanksgiving," I told a few coworkers while enjoying a picnic at the Singapore Botanic Gardens back in 2008.

It had been a month since I moved from New York to Singapore, and I felt happily settled in my new life. I was 27, just married, and thrilled to start the next chapter of my life on the other side of the planet.

A welcoming group of colleagues from around the world — whose ages ranged from just out of college up to almost ready for retirement — had contributed to the easy transition. They gave me tips on how to sign up for phone plans, told me about neighborhoods to check out, taught me Singlish 101, and regularly invited me to join them for lunch, after-work drinks, and even a few picnics.

Additional friends and partners were often invited to tag along, and that afternoon, my husband — as well as one new colleague's fluffy husky — was sitting alongside me on the mat.

Advertisement

"How are we going to host Thanksgiving? We just moved into our apartment and don't even have plates or cutlery," my husband asked.

It was a good question. I hadn't considered logistics, nor had I ever hosted a Thanksgiving dinner. My British coworker Peter jumped in and said he'd be happy to have us over at his place. Everyone was excited to join in, although, with no other Americans in the group, it would be the first Thanksgiving for all of them.

On Thanksgiving day, I prepared stuffing and a few pumpkin pies in my new kitchen. Peter had Skyped his mom back in Guildford for a step-by-step tutorial on how to prepare a turkey, and it was in the oven when we arrived. The other guests showed up with more sides and bottles of wine. I left that night with a full belly and a whole new group of friends to be thankful for.

I've met some of my closest friends at work

Fast forward 16 years — plus two children and a new job — and I'm still happy in Singapore. Because the city has a large transient population, I've seen many friends and coworkers come and go — but even this has had benefits.

Advertisement

I've attended three weddings of past colleagues in Bali, one of which was for coworkers who had fallen in love at the office. I've made trips to visit my work friends in their new homes around the world. Those who travel back through Singapore make it a point to plan a get-together when they're in town — usually at their favorite hawker center to eat satay and chicken rice.

Work friendships started back in New York and are still going strong

These types of strong connections with colleagues didn't just start in Singapore. The best part about my first job out of college, when I was still living in Manhattan, was our weekly brainstorming meeting. The team manager would bring a brown paper bag filled with bagels, and we'd sit around a table coming up with new ways to improve the site's content. The website didn't last, but the friendships have. My bagel manager has even made it over to Singapore to say hi.

The next job in New York was the one that eventually transferred me to Singapore. We were publishing inflight magazines from a warehouse-like space in Dumbo, Brooklyn, before it was a trendy part of town. This was where another set of friends came into my life.

Related stories

When the weather got cold, we would wander over to Jacques Torres Chocolate for hot cups of spicy cocoa. When we closed a monthly issue, my boss would treat the team to pizza at Grimaldi's. The pizza boss now lives nearby in Bangkok. He visits regularly, and my kids think of him as an uncle.

I'm questioning how friendships can grow when we work from home

The pandemic changed everything. At the time, I was producing magazines and web content for airlines. Global travel restrictions and lockdowns had a huge impact on the company, and eventually, management had to let go of the majority of our more than 30-person creative team.

I was lucky and grateful to still have a job. At that point in my career, I was the editorial director, and while I didn't make the final decisions, I was the messenger who told people they'd been laid off. It felt like I had betrayed friends, and it also led me to question why I had been loyal to that company for so many years.

In my current job as the lifestyle and culture editor for Business Insider in Singapore, we work almost entirely from home. We have a space in a WeWork, but we also have a remote-flexible work policy globally. New colleagues are given in-person training when they join the company, but the majority of our day-to-day communication happens online.

There's constant chatter throughout the workday on Slack — colleagues sharing articles, pointing out events, and praising each other's work. We even have a channel to share pictures of our cats.

Advertisement

But while I like my coworkers and have been in this job for more than a year, these relationships have not grown into friendships.

The benefits outweigh the downsides

Research shows I'm not alone.

In June 2022, the Survey Center on American Life surveyed 5,037 American adults about workplace relationships. More than half of those surveyed said they'd met a close friend through their work or a spouse's work.

Fast forward one year to a report on loneliness in the US, released in May 2023 by then-US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. In the report, Murthy said the number of close friendships had declined. Murthy connected this to technology, a factor that has led to a decline in face-to-face contact and is also what has enabled us to work from home.

Advertisement

"As we shifted to use technology more and more for our communication, we lost out on a lot of that in-person interaction," Murthy told the Associated Press in an interview last May.

Results from a June 2022 Gallup poll of 16,586 working adults highlighted the positive impact that friendship at work could have on business outcomes. But the poll also found that in the US, just two in 10 employees reported having a best friend at work.

There are benefits to working from home. As a mother, I have time to drop my kids off at school in the morning, as there's no commute. I find a little "me time" with a home yoga session over lunch. There's no one blasting music that's not my jam or stopping me for a meaningless 15-minute chat on the way to fill up coffee.

Between a mix of one-on-one catchups and team-wide Google Meets — none of which ever run longer than the pre-scheduled time slot — it's easy to follow what everyone is working on, and I rarely feel like my personal time is being encroached upon.

Advertisement

But friendships are much harder to make online, and none of my work relationships in this job have managed to cross the threshold into friendships.

Yes, we have a Slack channel to share pictures of our cats, but I haven't had the pleasure of meeting someone's dog by surprise at a team picnic. I haven't been introduced to any of my coworkers' friends or partners, nor has my husband met any of them. Back in the day, I even picked up some basic mah-jongg skills when an assistant editor invited the whole team over to her mother's apartment to celebrate Lunar New Year.

When Thanksgiving comes around this year, I'm not sure how my colleagues would react to an invitation to the feast. Maybe we can start off with a picnic.

I've stopped making friends at work (2024)

FAQs

Is it normal to not make friends at work? ›

That's fine. It's not always possible to make friends at work, despite your best efforts. It may take time, or your coworkers may be too skeptical, socially awkward, or just too busy to put forth the effort to form friendships. Remember, what matters most is that you pay your bills and advance your career.

Is it normal to not be friends with coworkers? ›

So yes, it's normal to not take things to the friendship level. Most professionals go into their careers knowing that they may make a couple of genuine friendships in the workplace that last for years to come, but most understand that they have to play a game of friendly chess to reach their goals.

What do you lose when you don't have friendships at work? ›

Working people are less lonely and socially isolated than those who aren't working. At the same time, close friendships—wherever they form—boost happiness and life satisfaction. Around the office, workplace friends are advocates, mentors and confidants—a second set of eyes and ears.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? ›

We have more commitments, work, family, and children, making it really difficult for us to make time to give to a new friendship, invest ourselves, get to know a person, and more importantly, allow them to know us. All this, along with our inability to be vulnerable and trusting a new person in our lives.”

Is it OK to not socialize at work? ›

They say don't mix business with pleasure, but not socialising with your colleagues can be very bad for your career and mark you out as a loner or someone who does not care. Any form of socialising with co-workers outside of the office can be positively useful - and fun.

Is it normal to not get along with everyone at work? ›

You might feel guilty for not liking someone you work with. However, it's normal not to get along with everyone: we all have different workplace values and habits, and sometimes these can clash, especially when we spend a lot of our day working with someone.

Is it wrong to not want to hang out with coworkers? ›

It is OK that you are not the social butterfly at work. If you ever decide to socialize with coworkers, know that there could be some added benefits like: Building stronger connections which can result in a stronger workforce. Collaborating more easily as you get to know each other better.

How do you know when a coworker doesn't like you? ›

They display defensive body language (folding their arms or glazing over you when you talk). They do not smile around you, turn their back when they see you walk past, or maintain poor eye contact. They do not acknowledge your presence in meetings and rarely approach you with work-related questions.

What to do after work when you have no friends? ›

What to Do If You Have No Friends
  1. Don't be afraid to meet new people. ...
  2. Don't be afraid of rejection. ...
  3. Find people who have similar interests. ...
  4. Turn acquaintances into friends. ...
  5. Volunteer your time. ...
  6. Work on your shyness or social anxiety. ...
  7. Be open-minded. ...
  8. Be open with people about who you are.
Feb 13, 2023

What does a lack of friends lead to? ›

Having few friends can lead to feeling lonely and isolated, which have been linked to increased stress, depression, and anxiety. Social support from friends plays a crucial role in buffering against these negative effects, promoting emotional well-being and resilience in the face of adversity.

How long does it take to make friends at work? ›

You can say hello to people in the elevator or in a meeting, but to make connections that count, you'll need to invest time. Researchers have found that it takes about 40-60 hours to become a casual friend and it takes about 200 hours for someone to become a close friend.

What age do people stop making friends? ›

At every stage, we're trying to figure out how to navigate friendship,” she says. Research tells us that, for both men and women, the age of 25 is when most of us start losing friends. “Suddenly, your friends disappear, or you all start taking new life directions as you graduate from college,” Jackson says.

Is it hard to make friends after 40? ›

There are lots of ways to meet people and make new friends in your 30s and 40s, although they do take a little more effort and proactivity than making friends when you're younger. Gone are the days when simply existing in the same classroom meant that you had a BFF you could hang out with all day.

Why am I unable to make friends? ›

Why Can't I Make Friends? Fear of rejection and lack of time can make creating new friendships hard. But trying new activities, such as volunteering or joining a book club, can help you meet new people. As we grow older, making new friends and keeping old ones can become harder and harder.

How long should it take to make friends at work? ›

We spend an average of 90,000 hours at work during our lifetime. It takes 90 to 200 hours to form a deep friendship, and surveys suggest that the workplace is where adults are most likely to make friends.

Why am I not popular at work? ›

That could be because your colleagues aren't thoughtful enough to invest in you. Or it could be because you aren't performing in a way that inspires them to invest in you. It's your job to find out which one of those scenarios applies to you.

Why do I have to work so hard to make friends? ›

Other Factors. Other factors that might make it more challenging for you to make friends include having social anxiety disorder, being an introvert who prefers solitude, or not knowing where to look for new friends.

References

Top Articles
Latest Posts
Recommended Articles
Article information

Author: Rueben Jacobs

Last Updated:

Views: 5939

Rating: 4.7 / 5 (77 voted)

Reviews: 84% of readers found this page helpful

Author information

Name: Rueben Jacobs

Birthday: 1999-03-14

Address: 951 Caterina Walk, Schambergerside, CA 67667-0896

Phone: +6881806848632

Job: Internal Education Planner

Hobby: Candle making, Cabaret, Poi, Gambling, Rock climbing, Wood carving, Computer programming

Introduction: My name is Rueben Jacobs, I am a cooperative, beautiful, kind, comfortable, glamorous, open, magnificent person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.